Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Imbalance


Maybe Mary is right. Maybe I do suffer a chemical imbalance. It would help explain a lot of things. It would explain the brief periods of elation and joy followed by days of emptiness so debilitating that I’m sure there is no point in going on. Not that I have the courage to commit suicide. I don’t. Which makes me wonder. If I’m sure life is a sham, then why don’t I do away with myself? If I’m so useless to myself and to everyone I love, what am I hanging around for? Unless the mood swings are just another game I play in order to keep from facing the truth about myself, whatever that is. That I’m lazy, I suppose. That I’m unable to put others’ cares before my own. I just don’t know. When I feel good, when my mind is clear, when I’ve accidentally had a good night’s sleep and wake up feeling eager, it’s as if I am a boy again and the world waiting outside is perfect and new. And I’m always amazed when it happens, and pleased. It’s like standing in a thick fog, and then suddenly the fog lifts to reveal a shimmering ocean. And then I remember I’m alive, and I start to notice things. I notice the breeze moving the hair on my arms. I notice the courtship of insects. And I remember that this is why I am here. To be alive. To recognize the possibility in things. To believe. To understand my place. Then, all too soon, the fog returns. It’s like living in a lighthouse. Parts of the coastline are blotted out. Then the world withdraws. Into the roar of emptiness.

[From Chapter 2, A Listening Thing]


Note: Through September 22, Cosmopsis Books is offering my novel,
A Listening Thing, at the special price of $14.00, plus shipping.

The first printing is limited to 150 numbered copies.

To order this tenth anniversary print edition
from anywhere in the world, click here.

Thank you!


9 comments:

Anthony Duce said...

They is wonderfully put. The imbalance, cemical or not, is, as so well expressed.

Harry Kent said...

William, this passage so exactly describes my existential universe that i'm left with the same feeling of recognition as looking into a mirror.

I'm left feeling less alone. Thank you.

On the strength of this wonderful writing i have just processed my order!

William Michaelian said...

I appreciate it, Anthony, thank you.

Harry — I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.... I will always treasure your response. Thanks very much for ordering the book. May it live up to such flattering expectations.

Jan said...

William, you have jusr described my life in one paragraph:) I will devour my copy when it arrives! I have received notice that it is on its way...YEA!!!

Old 333 said...

I have to say, I like the pharmaceutical fix-kits pretty well. Much to my own surprise. If you want drugs, go to the pros, I suppose. I miss some of the power of my extreme manic periods; but I get to keep a few friends, and live longer.

Thanks for this, William. If I look good to the bank at the end of next month, I shall get your novel. I think I will quite likely enjoy it a lot.

later -
Peter G

William Michaelian said...

Wonderful news, Jan. Thank you! Please let me know of its safe arrival....

’twould be an honor for me, Peter. As they say in Monopoly, “The bank has made an error in your favor.” And if that doesn’t work, there’s always dynamite. The best new/old drug not on the market: communication.

Old 333 said...

William, for some reason dynamite makes me think of Yosemite Sam. Stay on the market 'til I'm solvent!!!!!!

Communication is in fact priceless, and sometimes terribly powerful as well. It's the hardest drug I'll ever do.

And banks never make those kind of mistakes which you mention, not ever. It would be like water flowing uphill without a sucker.

erin said...

yes, it came from my throat as an egg, that you were listening in to me just his past weekend, and thereby wrote a book ten years ago. holy holy. will this be hard to read then? redemptive? i want to beg.

(jezuzgod, i swear, word varification: beging. or is this a misspell not on begging, but on beginning? ha!)

xo
erin

William Michaelian said...

Questions only you can answer, Erin. But if I were to beg, there would be no better place than at your door.